loved and lost.

Tonight, all I can think about is every "what if...?" possible.

contrary to popular belief.

Yesterday was the worst Christmas I've ever had, and probably in the top 5 of my worst days ever. I tried so hard to make my family enjoy the holiday and actually have it concern family. As it did with Thanksgiving, it backfired. I have nothing here, and I doubt I'll ever come "home" again. By "home" I mean any place my parents live, their house, their place of employment, or whatever. I may be in Greensboro at some point or another, but you can rest assured it'll be for a damn good reason. Never again will I travel to Greensboro to see a guy because I'm not good enough for them, just like I'm not good enough for my parents. Don't even begin to think "Oh, Ashley, you're good enough." No, I'm not. They told me so.

Despite yesterday's happenings, I'm an extremely happy person at the moment. Adam Cartrera, thank you.

dear song in my head.

I hate facebookIM, drama when I'm home, being told that I'm the fuck up in a friendship when I know good and well that I'm not the cause of everything going wrong, and distance.

I've been in a really good mood lately, with no set reason. I turned down an offer to go on the entire Warped Tour the other day. I'm supposed to be going to England this summer, and I'd much rather cross the ocean than travel around the country for the summer even though I want to go on tour REALLY bad.

Things are different, eh?

always and forever.

I'll always be too young, too far away, too good, too bad, too busy, too loud, too quiet, too girly, or not girly enough.

today blows.

I don't know what it is about the days I'm in an amazing mood. Why do people need to tear it down? Seriously, I just want to live a happy life. 

I wish that I was 25, with a good job, a studio apartment in a fun city (complete with lots of buildings, sketchy chinese places, greasy pizza parlors, and bars everywhere), and surrounded by interesting people with fun styles and personalities. Even if those people never talked to me, I think I may be influenced by their presence. 

this midwest town is gonna miss you.

I'm leaving for Florida on Friday. Eight days later, Virginia Beach. I'm beyond stoked to travel.

I'm missing Scarlet Undercover's reunion show on the 20th, I recommend that everyone that can goes to it. It'll be more than amazing in various ways, I'm sure.  I love that band, I love their music, I love those guys, but I feel as if the trip I'll be on will benefit me more in the long-run. 

I'm finally starting to feel better thanks to medicine, sleep, and the classic Disney movie "The Sword In The Stone". 45th Anniversary addition I might add.

Today, not only did I actually attend and participate in my 9:30 Lit class, I made brownies, paid for my food at work, and bought a sweet Barbie Polaroid camera at some latino thrift store for three bucks. 

Here's a tip: Read a book cuddled up with a warm blanket and a cup of hot chocolate. It works wonders for your mind.

sick and tired.

strep throat can kiss my ass.

101/1001

Start date: January 1, 2009

End date: September 29, 2011

I plan to edit this as I do everything. :)

01 Make progress in learning another language
02 Go Skydiving
03 Write a poem (and get published)
04 Take pictures in a photobooth
05 Get my passport stamped (someplace other than Mexico)
06 Workout 450 times (a little over 3x week)
07 Plan a black and white dinner party (and cook it myself)
08 Go to a movie alone
09 Go somewhere for Spring Break that I’ll enjoy
10 Buy my parents gifts for every holiday worthy of gifts
11 Take my grandmother, aunt, and mom out for a day
12 Go an entire month without adding salt to my food
13 Paint something
14 Find an amazing apartment
15 Save money
16 Go to a Yoga or Pilates class
17 Write a letter to someone who least expects it
18 Send my mom flowers just because
19 Send in a postcard to PostSecret
20 Make a date jar
21 Spend an entire week away from myspace, facebook, and aim
22 Run a 1/2 marathon
23 Go camping
25 Have a movie marathon with someone special
26 Babysit a child for free so the parents can have a night out
27 Design something
28 Be taken on a picnic
29 Go to a comedy show
30 Visit a local restaurant/bakery once a month
31 Stay in a hotel in a place I don’t need a hotel
32 Scan and upload pre-digital photos, create scrapbook for my mom
33 Pay off my credit card bill
34 Make a decision by flipping a coin
35 Make a pillow for myself and one for a friend
36 Cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner all in the same day
37 Watch the sunrise and sunset in the same day
38 Wash my car inside and out once a month
39 Donate $5 for each unattained task at end of 1001 days
40 Keep my job and get a raise
41 Enjoy my job
42 Don't sweat the small stuff
43 Declutter my possessions (get rid of the junk)
44 Read every blog on Power150
45 Adopt a pet
46 Create my own banner for my blog
47 Go to Texas
48 Lay on the grass by the Baltimore Harbor with someone I love
49 Take a cooking class
50 Solve a Rubik’s cube.
51 Learn my geography (and have someone quiz me)
52 Make my own holiday cards and send to old teachers, etc.
53 Spend a day going to garage sales with a good friend
54 Go one month without ice cream
55 Volunteer at JuniorAchievement
56 Go thrifting
57 Buy halloween costumes for orphans
58 Use coupons
59 Take a train
60 Purchase stock
61 Buy more Kurt Halsey art
62 Go to brunch
63 Lose and maintain the weight I want to be
64 Make my bed on weekdays
65 Make out more
66 Be open-minded
67 Hold hands with someone in public
68 Go to a pro sports game
69 Buy and read a life-changing book
70 Write a love letter (purely love, no griping)
71 Keep a gratitude journal--list 5 things I'm grateful for each day for 30 days
72 Create and stick to a budget
73 Live for a week on $5 a day
74 Chalk a sidewalk (including hopscotch)
75 Use at least half of the recipes from my cookbook
76 Go outdoor skating again
77 Go to a drive-in movie
78 Join a marketing networking group
79 Go rock climbing
80 Convince someone else to start a 101/1001 list
81 Do a monthly update on this list on my blog
82 Take a road trip with friends (must be longer than 4 hours)
83 Laugh out loud everyday
84 Spend an hour in a hammock (no cell allowed)
85 Meet a celebrity
86 Sleep under the stars, other than camping
87 Decorate my living space with art
88 Burn candles often
89 Host an open mic night
90 Have an intelligent conversation over hot tea
91 Read a book a month
92 Have a birthday party
93 Find a razor that works really well
94 Be more content with myself
95 Sell something on ebay
96 Create a filing system (online and paper)
97 Make 2 random mixed cds for friends and surprise them
98 Volunteer at a homeless shelter on a holiday with at least one friend
99 Twenty-six things project
100 Graduate with my Bachelor’s degree on time
101 Party like it's 1999 on day 1001

shorty by nature.

I don't want to go because I want more than anything for things to work this once.

Just this once. 

For once, I feel as if being in Greensboro would make things okay.

I'm ridiculously excited for holiday break. No matter what state I end up in, I'm sure that I'll be perfectly content with it.

I'm on the phone with Parker and she thinks I'm a liar because of what we're talking about on the phone. She's going to write a blog tomorrow titled "B.I.T.C.H." because I am one.

Anyways, I have a lot to offer, and all I want is someone to offer it to.

I'm getting tattooed tomorrow, and I can't wait.

"Oh, I've been down

I've been kicking and screaming

And freaking out so long that I forgot

What got me here in the first place, baby."

ohio makes me crazy.

You can hold onto the bedsheets, but they won't hold on to you.

I have a handle on the fiction.

I need to lose weight.

It's recently hit me hard that my friends get the credit and attention for my thoughts and actions. 

When I am miles away, will you still check on me?

Fun-sized!

I have recently come to terms with the fact that I'm tiny. By tiny, I do not mean skinny. I know I'm not. But, I can wear little boy clothing and shoes. Speaking of that, I want these shoes for Christmas. Size 3, ten bucks, found at your local Wal-Mart.

This is what we do, we reminisce.

I've been thinking. This is what I've came up with:

I miss the days that I put school before work.

I miss past summers, 2005, 2007, and 2008 to be exact.

I miss the days my house was a hotel.

I miss Baltimore.

I changed sometime between September 2007 and January 2008 and never looked back until now.

I miss driving 5 minutes to see my best friend.

I miss the days when no one could text and you had to tell each other things face-to-face.

I miss waking up hungover next to the one I love.

I miss everyone loving my parents as much as I do.

I miss my Honda Accord.

I miss my green box.

I miss FBLA.

I miss Coach Carter's challenge.

I miss my state officer team.

I miss Cybis.

I miss Scarlet Undercover.

I miss Sanford days.

On top of it all, I miss the way I used to feel. Nothing could touch me.

I'm stoked on life at the moment, but I miss being stoked all the time.

I'm blessed to have such great memories.

good morning scouts, it's a new day.

Granted it's not morning at all, and it's the end of a day, I woke up feeling like today was going to be different. It was.

I've been in an amazing mood all day. Tonight was great and I didn't do anything. I fell out of a chair, knocked down some Christmas lights, bought some Christmas lights, burnt breadsticks, and drank a beer. It was nice.

I want to be kissed in the rain. 

That is all, other than this: Tim, you are an amazing person. No matter what we go through, I cherish your friendship, and I hope we remain friends as we both grow and mature into the adults neither one of us truly want to be. 

Florida and Texas soon. Love my life.

just say the words, and we can run away.

Classes start tomorrow. A whole new term of misery. I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but not a term has gone by that I haven't wanted to pack up everything I own, quit school, and run away. I'm tired of people telling me that I won't be happy anywhere I go. That's not true, because I adapt well to new situations. I always have. I'm old enough to make my own decisions. There will never be a day that I don't regret sitting back while my parents decide where I spend the "best years" of my life. Forty hours on a UCLA application, amazing SAT scores, over 400 hours of community service, countless awards and accomplishments, 4.4 GPA, and the potential to change the world, and I get stuck at the one school in America that is free to apply to, doesn't consider SAT scores, could care less about community service unless you're doing it under their name, and harbors every ounce of potential I have. What happened to me?

When I'm in one city, I like a guy from a different one. I always like the ones that don't like me. Someone should buy me a safe for Christmas so I can put my heart in it and stop trying to give it away.

I don't want to drink. Drinking problems away only causes problems for me. See above paragraph. While everyone is drinking every night, I'll find something else to do. Drinking isn't my way of stress relief. Maybe I'll work out and get cute. I just want my life to turn around.

Happiness should be sold at Target. I'd buy it all the time. I like being happy. Some of my friends make me happy. Conversations late at night in bed snuggled up to someone make me extremely happy. As do conversations on the balcony at 6am, but that's different. 

I was thinking about going to deathfest this weekend, but I'm really nervous. I need a date or something. There's a story behind it, but I don't really understand it.

I want to be a celebrity's personal assistant. 

I just realized that my blogs are ridiculously dumb. I ramble. Oh well. So here's what I'm looking for: someone legit. someone single. someone with potential. someone that thinks the same of me as I do them. Anyone?

Oh, and why do I have the feeling that this time will turn out the same as every other?

Double oh, I want to write things my friends and I want to do on little scraps of paper and put them all in a jar, to be called the "date jar". My friends and I will take turns pulling each time and that scrap of paper will be what we do. I want it to sit on my counter and anyone who sees it will ask about it then get jealous when I tell them what it is.