loved and lost.

Tonight, all I can think about is every "what if...?" possible.

contrary to popular belief.

Yesterday was the worst Christmas I've ever had, and probably in the top 5 of my worst days ever. I tried so hard to make my family enjoy the holiday and actually have it concern family. As it did with Thanksgiving, it backfired. I have nothing here, and I doubt I'll ever come "home" again. By "home" I mean any place my parents live, their house, their place of employment, or whatever. I may be in Greensboro at some point or another, but you can rest assured it'll be for a damn good reason. Never again will I travel to Greensboro to see a guy because I'm not good enough for them, just like I'm not good enough for my parents. Don't even begin to think "Oh, Ashley, you're good enough." No, I'm not. They told me so.

Despite yesterday's happenings, I'm an extremely happy person at the moment. Adam Cartrera, thank you.

dear song in my head.

I hate facebookIM, drama when I'm home, being told that I'm the fuck up in a friendship when I know good and well that I'm not the cause of everything going wrong, and distance.

I've been in a really good mood lately, with no set reason. I turned down an offer to go on the entire Warped Tour the other day. I'm supposed to be going to England this summer, and I'd much rather cross the ocean than travel around the country for the summer even though I want to go on tour REALLY bad.

Things are different, eh?

always and forever.

I'll always be too young, too far away, too good, too bad, too busy, too loud, too quiet, too girly, or not girly enough.

today blows.

I don't know what it is about the days I'm in an amazing mood. Why do people need to tear it down? Seriously, I just want to live a happy life. 

I wish that I was 25, with a good job, a studio apartment in a fun city (complete with lots of buildings, sketchy chinese places, greasy pizza parlors, and bars everywhere), and surrounded by interesting people with fun styles and personalities. Even if those people never talked to me, I think I may be influenced by their presence. 

this midwest town is gonna miss you.

I'm leaving for Florida on Friday. Eight days later, Virginia Beach. I'm beyond stoked to travel.

I'm missing Scarlet Undercover's reunion show on the 20th, I recommend that everyone that can goes to it. It'll be more than amazing in various ways, I'm sure.  I love that band, I love their music, I love those guys, but I feel as if the trip I'll be on will benefit me more in the long-run. 

I'm finally starting to feel better thanks to medicine, sleep, and the classic Disney movie "The Sword In The Stone". 45th Anniversary addition I might add.

Today, not only did I actually attend and participate in my 9:30 Lit class, I made brownies, paid for my food at work, and bought a sweet Barbie Polaroid camera at some latino thrift store for three bucks. 

Here's a tip: Read a book cuddled up with a warm blanket and a cup of hot chocolate. It works wonders for your mind.

sick and tired.

strep throat can kiss my ass.