my soul don't live here no more.

I've never loved Charlotte so much. I hated my time home. I was on the run the entire time, didn't know how to get anywhere, and my family was not happy with me. I came to a realization as I always do when I'm in the 336 area about who cares, who doesn't, who wants a piece of ass, and who is just a bitch.

If you don't know, you should know that I don't celebrate Thanksgiving. Not because my family doesn't, but simply because "I don't do Thanksgiving." It started from skating every year on Thanksgiving, but now that I'm not doing that anymore, I just can't seem to grasp the concept. My family seems happier to be around me when I'm not home for a holiday.

As I drove around the Greensboro/High Point/Burlington area, I realized that I don't remember much about that place. Certain things stuck in my head, but overall I used Jane (my GPS) to get everywhere, including my house. My dad and I went to get some random stuff from Wal-Mart (which resulted in me buying Candy Land and Chutes and Ladders for five bucks each) then went to Coldstone on Wednesday after my terrifying dentist appointment. The entire time we discussed how I need out and how I need to be some place new. I figured out that "home" seems so new to me, but I know that I've been there, so it doesn't cure the need to get away. It didn't seem like home to me. My room didn't feel like mine, my shower was awkward, my hot tub felt like a hotel. I think I broke his heart when I told him that I don't feel home. "My soul don't live here no more."

I thought a lot which is what I always do when I'm home. I thought about Tim, about my Charlotte friends, about work, about love, about relationships, about previous relationships, about Rhode Island, about life.  

Ross and I have had our ups and downs a lot lately, and I hurt his feelings Monday night without meaning to, yet again. We talked and things are good now I think, but it kind of made me realize that even though I want to strangle him at times, his friendship is important to me and I would like my life less is we weren't friends. 

Now JJ and Susa aren't any different. Both of them mean the world to me, and I'm extremely thankful that we all got over our original opinions and became friends. You girls are probably reading this, and I just want to tell you both that I love you.

Four random thoughts - 1) I love Jessica Parker. 2) I love Brooke and Cooper Collins. 3) I talked to someone this week that I've missed a whole lot and I feel more complete now that we are making plans to hang out again. 4) Warren is a gorgeous man.

Okay, so since everyone posted things saying what they're thankful for, I'm going to do the same. Here goes:

My mom,

My dad,

My puppy,

Pam,

Wanda,

Geoff,

Brooke,

Parker,

JJ,

Susa,

Nikki,

Marwan,

Jeremy,

Little Britches,

Nikki,

Chance (I miss you slut),

Katelyn Ryder Collishaw,

La,

Emily,

Mike,

Rick,

Scott,

Jacob Burns,

Keba,

Mercy Mercedes,

Marshall,

Farewell,

Hit The Lights,

Sequoyah Prep School,

My MacBook,

My iPod,

My cell phone,

Zack,

Clay,

Joel,

and Nathan from HTH,

Jon Ricci,

Patti,

a lot of other things and people,

and Lansdowne.

I listed Lansdowne last because there needs to be an explanation. If you don't know about my obsession with them, it all started when they crashed at the apartment for a couple days this summer. When I was passed out drunk on my bed as they were leaving, they woke me up for hugs and to give me a couple shirts and a cd. I've listened to that cd so much it's ridiculous. Their music is mainstream yet powerful. Jon's voice is amazing. Jon in general is amazing. Honestly, I think the world of him. He has his head on his shoulders, a beautiful love for his family and friends, a lot of talent, and a heart of gold. We've had some of the best conversations and he has changed my outlook on a lot of things. I found out the other day that Jake is going to Iraq in February. Lansdowne has a USO contract and an amazing song called "I'll See You Again" that is about saying goodbye then saying hello again. The night that Jake leaving hit me really hard, that song made things so much better. That song, Jon, and Lansdowne. There's so much more to them, but overall, I'm extremely thankful for Sean, Jon, Glenn, Josh, and everyone else that was on the Lansdowne train when they stayed. Miss you guys.

That's about it. 

"I was there when the phone hit the floor,

Bags are packed, sitting out by the door.

Waving goodbye with tears in my eyes.

I'll see you again.

I'll see you again,

I'm coming home but not alone.

I'll see you again,

Don't lose hope."

i've been everything in between.

Honestly, last night was the hardest night I've had in a really long time. The last time I remember crying that hard and that much was when John and Johnny died. I think I've officially had my heart broken, because nothing has ever felt like the impact of the apologies. 

At times, I wish that I could be everything anyone ever wants me to be. I wish that I had the money to move wherever I want when I feel it'll make or break something in my life. Everything dealing with Tim is like that. He deserves to be the happiest man alive, yet something won't give him a break. I used to think that I was his break, but it's become clear that I'm not.

On the other hand, I'm going home tomorrow for the first time in a few months. I don't want to go because I'm not sure I'll have the strength to come back to Charlotte. I've needed a change of scenery for so long, but now that I'm about to get it, I'm not sure it's what I need. I think I need a permanent change of scenery, not one that will last less than a week.

Brooke got a puppy just like mine and is hopefully naming it Mozart. Picasso will love him. 

Sequoyah Prep School has always found a way to define my life. Here's the song I'm stuck on right now:

Nobody knows all the trouble that I've seen, nobody knows but me.

I've been in, I've been out, someone's hope, someone's doubt.

I've been everything in between.

I know now that you think we've got nothing left for you,

but who am I to say that you're wrong?

I could work, I could try, but I'll never change your mind.

You're leaving and we're moving on.

Well life gets hard and life gets tough, but sometimes you've gotta find a little bit of truth amongst all the lies and know that everything will be alright.

I know that everything will be alright.

but tonight it's carolina that's on my mind.

Everything I've ever wanted in life I've gotten. Minus going to my school of choice. All I want is love and happiness, and I succeeded to fuck it up the one chance I got. 

I deserve the effort that I put into things, but rarely get it. All I want is a bit of attention and to know that I'm cared about. Surprisingly, it's harder to do than to say.

Distance kills all things.

trans-siberian orchestra.

After finals today, Susi, Gray, Kendra, and I went to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Normally, I'd be like fuck this, I don't want to go to that, but it was a free ticket and the last chance I had to hang out with Susi before she leaves for break. Honestly, I was amazed. I got some awesome pictures of the light show. There's this chick violinist who is now my hero. 

TIP OF THE NIGHT: always wear slippery shoes when you go to the Bobcats Arena, the floors rule for that kind of thing.

Finals are over, and I'm stoked except for the fact that next term I have class back-to-back all day two days a week, then I'll probably work all day everyday other than those two. I'm not exactly stoked, but at least my 7:30 was cancelled.

Does anyone know where I can find a guy? I need a legit one. I'm tired of being alone.

typical first blog post.

So I decided I needed a blog. Everyone else has one, why not me? That's a lie. Most of my friends don't have one. But I feel like I need a place I can talk to myself and not get looked at funny. :)

I'm not even going to say that I'm going to write in here once a day. This isn't my diary. I'll write something when I have something to say. Occasionally when I don't have anything to say as well, but just because I can. 

That is all. I'll go take my finals now.