The Jar

A Professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.


So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The Professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."



The Professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the space between the grains of sand. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.


The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else -the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."


One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The Professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

I get the worst

anxiety over the smallest things. There needs to be a way to fix it. Thoughts?

I never use this blog anymore, yet all I have to say is that

I want out.

One day.

I would like to figure out why I do this to myself.

Words.

I have a lot to say.

New Family.

Greed.

I want:

New iMac
Sushi
Cuddles
Leinenkugels
Boston

Coming soon.

I wouldn't know what to do.

Life lately?

I found my new apartment today. Well, we did. I'm pretty stoked.

Why is it people always want what they can't have?

Lately, I've been listening to so much hardcore when I'm alone, it's weird.

I'm torn between whether I have a heart or if my heart is too big. That makes no sense, but it does at the same time.

I'm unhappy knowing that I have things to be happy about, yet I still want more.

Lately.

All I want to do is paint and decorate. It's weird. FYI.

Home.

I want to know that I'm wanted. Lately, I feel as if I'm not.

Distance.

If.

If I left you would you promise, would you swear to keep me honest?

I've seen your ways.

As I sit at this table,
You run through my head.
I just want you to listen
And hear things I have said.
I know it ain't much,
But it comes from my heart.
So, if you hear what I’m saying,
Why are you tearing me apart?

You can breathe,
Won't you just make a sound,
I’ve been searching for answers that are nowhere around.
You can breathe,
And make a sound for me.

There's a story to tell,
And I’ll help you to sing it.
You were searching for help,
I was right here believing.
Your time hasn't come to its end yet.
No, your time hasn't come to its end yet.

I see his face through your eyes.
It took light from my sky,
Cause you were selfish and impaired
And didn't know that I was there.
But I see the way you kissed his lips,
You hair moved with his fingertips.
You help him close and closed your eyes.
I wonder now how many times.

You can breathe,
Won't you just make a sound,
I’ve been searching for answers that are nowhere around.
You can breathe,
And make a sound for me.

There's a story to tell,
And I’ll help you to sing it.
You were searching for help,
I was right here believing.
Your time hasn't come to its end yet.
No, your time hasn't come to its end yet.

This time it isn’t the same,
and I wont take the blame.
I’m so tired of believing,
Your lies are deceiving.
These tears have stopped falling,
And I have stopped calling your name.

There’s a story to tell,
And I wont help you sing it.
You’ll be searching for help
Because i've stopped believing.
Your time has now come to its end, yeah.
Yeah, your time has now come to its end.

As relationships faulter to a close, time must go on and people must move on to bigger and better things. It hurts and it stings, but there's no point in holding on and hurting for longer than necessary. Somethings just aren't meant to be, even when it feels wrong to let go.

Missing.

I miss the feeling of being loved, cared about, and wanted. I'm tired of just having the cute conversations. Being the girl to run back to in between relationships. Being the girl to text for a self-esteem boost. Will it ever be my turn? Will I ever be good enough?

Love.

I have a new love for abstract art.

MC Hammer.

No one can touch my mood. I'm stoked about life at the moment, though I know it won't last. Here's the good and bad:

So lately, I've realized a lot of things are changing, growing, merging, dying. Everyday I appreciate my JWU friends more and more, even the ones I couldn't stand at first. Charlotte's home for me these days, and now I know why. With friends back home, things aren't as great. Getting twisted up in the truth and drama of relationships, distance, and everything else apparently becomes unbearable, but what's new there? Nothing. 

I have a legit crush that may not be as legit as it should be. Yet, for once I'm okay with not necessarily being liked back, because the way I smile is different when I'm around said crush. Cuddling can win my heart. Not literally, I mean, I don't fall in love with a guy because we cuddle, but you know what I mean. 

JJ and I went thrifting today and I bought a Pat Benatar record and a superheroes plate. Great, I know. :) 

Oh! I was at the bank yesterday, and this old guy behind me asked me if I was twittering when I was texting. Humorous, I thought. 

I want to start waking up next to someone I care about, my days will be better.

I'm about to go stare at myself in the mirror as JJ dyes my hair. Woo!

I am.

I'm old enough to know better, but too young to give a damn.

I'm true to myself these days.

I live for the moment and generally don't think of the consequences.

My soul is full of passion, love, strength, hope, and rhythm.

I'll always tell you that that imagination is stronger than knowledge, myth is more powerful than history, dreams dominate facts, hope triumphs over experience, laughter is the cure for grief, and love is stronger than death.

I've learned to appreciate the past but to look forward to the future.

I live mind over matter.

My head is in the clouds.

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.

If your life changes, let it.

Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it'd be worth it.

Growth.

I'm two cups into my coffee break.
I'm sitting alone in the café from the way.
Reading all by myself
Turning my cell off just to breathe,
And everyone I know just keeps calling me.
And I just need a little time.

Cause I'm overcommiting myself.
I guess this is growing up
I'm sleeping so little these days.
I guess this is growing up
I'm feeling things are about to change
I'm guessing this is growing up
Yeah, I'm growing up.

And my mom hates my guts.
She has every reason to
From all the things I do.
And it breaks me just to know
That I have torn her apart so many times.
So many times.

Cause I've overcommitted myself.
I guess this is growing up
I'm sleeping so little these days.
I guess this is growing up
I'm feeling things are about to change
I'm guessing this is growing up
Oh, I'm guessing this is growing up.

Now I'm done with my coffee break.
I turn on my phone.
Now that I've grown up.

I want to work here so bad:

Epic.

Today is JJ's 21st birthday, happy birthday dollface.

As I type this, I doubt everything I am. EVERYTHING.

I don't want to be with you.

Everything has a reason.

I finally feel like everything is falling into place. As of 12:00 AM, Wednesday, February 11, 2009, things are changing. For real, no bullshit. I couldn't be happier in the decision, and I hope that things stay going up.

i cannot count the times, the skyline's left me breathless.

This city is growing on me. I like nights where JJ and I ponder the thought of why the BofA Stadium is green. Here's an update on my life, starting from whenever I decide in 2.5 seconds, because I don't remember the last time I posted:

We had a snow day the other day, Wednesday I think. It was pretty nice to have a snow day when I had class, so that I actually didn't have to go to class and I had the day off. I had 2 days off this week, how did I get so lucky?! Who cares, it ruled. JJ and I got up and went to work to get food for us and the boys. "Snow" Day Munchies: sandwiches, chips, and drinks. We then watched Bee Movie, drank a beer, and worked on the puzzle. After the beer, we felt the need to make the night an arts and crafts night. We made tie dye shirts, painted shirts, made hippie bracelets, and probably something else. I played Rock Band and JJ made dinner, it was awesome. Travy came over, which was pretty sweet because I missed him and he means a lot to me. Hopefully we'll start to hang out quite a bit soon.

Thursday I slept, I think. Or maybe I disappeared from the world, I don't know. I tend to do that on Thursdays. I remember being upset.

Friday was great. Worked, then went shopping. It was a good shopping day. I got a cute tank top and cardigan, cute greek sandals, and cuter heels. Turns out my sandals are too big, but I'll fix them and make them work. Oh! We also got apple pie apples, which are beyond heavenly. After dropping lots of money, we finished the NY puzzle by getting frustrated, bruising my arm, and moving the couch. Sounds silly, but makes sense, I swear. Friday was La's birthday, and I stressed myself out while talking to Ty about whether or not to go to the Paulson show that I was stoked for or stay in Charlotte for her birthday and go to the P. Box.  I knew I'd regret leaving, so I stayed. Plans got changed late in the night, and JJ and I went up by UNCC and I was beyond drunk. It was seriously great, and I'm glad I'm friends with those guys. It's stupid and immature to drink your problems away, but it works and I love it. I threw up french fries. Yuck.

Saturday was my day off, and my hangover day. JJ and I watched Finding Nemo on the Disney Channel even though it was in my DVD player. :) She made me make my bed, and we covered my walls. We went to work and got food so I could see Pam. We got tattooed. I now have the outline of Texas on my ankle the size of my little man. I love it. Free tattoos, ftw. Then came La's birthday dinner which was delicious but overpriced. Katey wasn't there, which sucked cause I miss her. I'm glad I got to see La and meet her boyfriend. I want one. 

Today is Sunday. I worked. I thought. I'm about to do homework, hopefully. Adam got married today, and I hurt. Not because I want him back or anything of the sort, I just want my friend. If I ever get married, I hope no restrictions like the ones Adam is going through are placed on me by my husband. Then again, everyone knows I'll never get married. 

Thursday is JJ's 21st birthday. I suck at birthdays, but I'm going to figure out a way to make this one the best one ever, I swear. Hopefully Valentine's Day will be better than last year. It definitely has potential. 

I need to stop getting mad at people in my dreams. I need to stop crushing on boys I can't have. I need to do a lot of things that I'll probably never do. I miss Keba. 

"I've got to move on and be who I am. I just don't belong here, I hope you understand. We might find a place in this world someday, but as for now, I gotta go my own way."

Take care loves. <3

For once,

I'm happy to be in Charlotte. Thanks, JJ. You're an amazing friend and I'm stoked that I have someone like you in my life. I don't know anyone else that would want a huge Abercrombie poster, bytheway.

Confusion and pain, nothing's the same.

I'm so lost inside my head right now. I have so much to say to so many people, but I don't want to be judged. Someone told me today anonymously that if I play hard to get, I'll be more successful with guys. I don't like hard to get, it's always let me down. I don't even know if I want to be with someone. If the person I think it is is the one that said that to me, maybe I did come on strong to him, but it's not like he didn't do the same to me. People are shady at the worst times.

I've loved and I've lost. I just want my life back. I keep saying that I need out and I want to move, but that's not the answer. It can't be, and I know that. I need to fix what's going on in my head before I do anything. I guess it's not where I am, but who I am.

I won't die in Carolina.

I've never wanted to get out of this state so badly. After listening to the new En Serenade song, I realized I need out. Why am I trapped in North Carolina? Someone rescue me. I want my life to take me all around the world.

I want away, maybe without everything I know and love here. 

Something old just made itself new in my life, and I'm not sure I like it or that I'm okay with it.

We're so different, ya know? You're clingy, I want distance. You hate being alone, I cherish it. You want to go all the time, I do go all the time. We're so different, we're the same. I love you as much as you love me. We're perfect for each other. Yet, I'm so annoyed. I hear myself screaming the same painful screams wanting out, wanting away, wanting freedom, wanting change. After everything I've done for you, I don't get anything in return. I can't be here for you to come back to when you don't have someone else to throw yourself on. It's not fair. It's when I need you most that you're off with someone else and you completely forget about me. You're so in and out, but I'm always in. Always. Let me breathe, please? You won't read this, but please just stop influencing me to fuck my life up, just let me live it and let the wind direct me. I'm going places, and if you stop fucking yourself over, you can come along. 

I want my life to take me all around the world.

for some reason,

Everything happens to me over and over again. I feel like my life is a record, constantly replaying. Just in case you were wondering.

encore.

I think the next time I get a weekend off, or maybe for Spring Break, I'm going to buy a ticket to NYC, and just hang out in the city with no plans and no place to stay for the weekend.

Journey:

When I think of moments we shared
from Trinity, Baltimore, and oh so much more
never fading, I ponder what comes next: Her
moving? My moving?
I’ve always hated not knowing things. Okay
now what possibly is now in front of us
alluring the minds of such young women
and their such lust for temptation. What
is it? We do what we can as growing up
and time put a damper on our parade
of traveling to new cities and states
only to see places we could not before
since journeys mean time and lots of things unplanned
without some permission from parents or the other things
that need agendas
for our eagerness to find random locations to wonder about life
or the reason we crave the things unknown
discoveries we’ll find, maybe so, hiding
them. They are ours solely: travels!
Are they fun?
You sure could say that
we’re so far caught up
in
The Exploratory Phase.

God, I'm annoying.

This past week was all too stressful, and this weekend was well-needed. Alone time, time to reflect, time to think, time to enjoy, time to let go. Not that I didn't realize how good of a friend JJ is, this weekend proved it to me. Thanks JJ for letting me be happy for a while. :) 

I want to go to Florida.

Wishing Well.

I wish that I knew how to explain the way I feel. There's so much going on, yet the world is spinning so slowly around me. Maybe that's the problem, maybe I'm not moving with the world. It's funny that in the two seconds it took me to type that, my world just crashed...again. 

I'm lost and it's late.

Tomorrow, the bandages will come off. I wonder will I see half an orange, half an apple, half my mother's face with my one remaining eye?

I did not see the bullet but felt its pain exploding in my head. His image did not vanish, the soldier with a big gun, unsteady hands, and a look in his eyes I could not understand.

If I can see him so clearly with my eyes closed, it could be that inside our heads we each have one spare set of eyes to make up for the ones we lose.

Next month, on my birthday, I'll have a brand new glass eye, maybe things will look round and fat in the middle---I've gazed through all my marbles, they make the world look strange.

I hear a nine-month-old has also lost an eye, I wonder if my soldier shot her too--a soldier looking for little girls who look him in the eye--I'm old enough, almost four, I've seen enough of life, but she's just a baby who didn't know any better.

I guess you could say I quit.

It's a new year and it probably won't bring much of anything new into my life. I'm not into new year's resolutions because I'm constantly trying to figure out what I need to change in my life to make it better.

My New Year's celebration wasn't anything special, no kiss planned so I spent time with friends. Good times as always. I was sick as shit by the time the ball dropped, and I feel horrible that I was the reason my friends didn't go uptown.

I work too much without seeing the benefits of it other than the amazing friendship I have with Pam. I need a new job.

I want out of this school more now than ever, and it wouldn't surprise me if I were to become a college dropout between now and May.

I have a million things on my mind, but nothing to say.

"Where were you when I needed you most? Why did you leave me alone?"