I won't die in Carolina.

I've never wanted to get out of this state so badly. After listening to the new En Serenade song, I realized I need out. Why am I trapped in North Carolina? Someone rescue me. I want my life to take me all around the world.

I want away, maybe without everything I know and love here. 

Something old just made itself new in my life, and I'm not sure I like it or that I'm okay with it.

We're so different, ya know? You're clingy, I want distance. You hate being alone, I cherish it. You want to go all the time, I do go all the time. We're so different, we're the same. I love you as much as you love me. We're perfect for each other. Yet, I'm so annoyed. I hear myself screaming the same painful screams wanting out, wanting away, wanting freedom, wanting change. After everything I've done for you, I don't get anything in return. I can't be here for you to come back to when you don't have someone else to throw yourself on. It's not fair. It's when I need you most that you're off with someone else and you completely forget about me. You're so in and out, but I'm always in. Always. Let me breathe, please? You won't read this, but please just stop influencing me to fuck my life up, just let me live it and let the wind direct me. I'm going places, and if you stop fucking yourself over, you can come along. 

I want my life to take me all around the world.

for some reason,

Everything happens to me over and over again. I feel like my life is a record, constantly replaying. Just in case you were wondering.

encore.

I think the next time I get a weekend off, or maybe for Spring Break, I'm going to buy a ticket to NYC, and just hang out in the city with no plans and no place to stay for the weekend.

Journey:

When I think of moments we shared
from Trinity, Baltimore, and oh so much more
never fading, I ponder what comes next: Her
moving? My moving?
I’ve always hated not knowing things. Okay
now what possibly is now in front of us
alluring the minds of such young women
and their such lust for temptation. What
is it? We do what we can as growing up
and time put a damper on our parade
of traveling to new cities and states
only to see places we could not before
since journeys mean time and lots of things unplanned
without some permission from parents or the other things
that need agendas
for our eagerness to find random locations to wonder about life
or the reason we crave the things unknown
discoveries we’ll find, maybe so, hiding
them. They are ours solely: travels!
Are they fun?
You sure could say that
we’re so far caught up
in
The Exploratory Phase.

God, I'm annoying.

This past week was all too stressful, and this weekend was well-needed. Alone time, time to reflect, time to think, time to enjoy, time to let go. Not that I didn't realize how good of a friend JJ is, this weekend proved it to me. Thanks JJ for letting me be happy for a while. :) 

I want to go to Florida.

Wishing Well.

I wish that I knew how to explain the way I feel. There's so much going on, yet the world is spinning so slowly around me. Maybe that's the problem, maybe I'm not moving with the world. It's funny that in the two seconds it took me to type that, my world just crashed...again. 

I'm lost and it's late.

Tomorrow, the bandages will come off. I wonder will I see half an orange, half an apple, half my mother's face with my one remaining eye?

I did not see the bullet but felt its pain exploding in my head. His image did not vanish, the soldier with a big gun, unsteady hands, and a look in his eyes I could not understand.

If I can see him so clearly with my eyes closed, it could be that inside our heads we each have one spare set of eyes to make up for the ones we lose.

Next month, on my birthday, I'll have a brand new glass eye, maybe things will look round and fat in the middle---I've gazed through all my marbles, they make the world look strange.

I hear a nine-month-old has also lost an eye, I wonder if my soldier shot her too--a soldier looking for little girls who look him in the eye--I'm old enough, almost four, I've seen enough of life, but she's just a baby who didn't know any better.

I guess you could say I quit.

It's a new year and it probably won't bring much of anything new into my life. I'm not into new year's resolutions because I'm constantly trying to figure out what I need to change in my life to make it better.

My New Year's celebration wasn't anything special, no kiss planned so I spent time with friends. Good times as always. I was sick as shit by the time the ball dropped, and I feel horrible that I was the reason my friends didn't go uptown.

I work too much without seeing the benefits of it other than the amazing friendship I have with Pam. I need a new job.

I want out of this school more now than ever, and it wouldn't surprise me if I were to become a college dropout between now and May.

I have a million things on my mind, but nothing to say.

"Where were you when I needed you most? Why did you leave me alone?"